As I was coaching recently, I was reminded of the concept of manuals, and want to share it here, as I think it is a really helpful idea for all of us, whether we’re dealing with post-concussion symptoms or not.
You know what a manual is. You get one with every purchase of an appliance or automobile.
It tells you what to expect from this machine, and what to do if it isn’t working the way it’s supposed to. There’s a trouble-shooting section, and a number to call to return the item if you can’t fix it yourself.
This is all well and good for appliances. The problem comes when we make manuals for people in our lives, or even ourselves.
We think we know how they should think and behave, and we are convinced there’s something wrong or broken about them if they don’t live up to the expectations we have of them.
For instance, we may have a manual about “What a good mom does” or “How my child should behave” or “What a good employee should do.”
You may have a manual that says that a brother-in-law should want to come to family gatherings, or that a college senior should be independent and not need hand-holding by her professors, or that you as a parent should enjoy playing make-believe with your toddler.
So many manuals. Do you know the best thing to do with a manual you’ve made up for a person in your life?
Throw it out.
When we place expectations on those around us, and place our own emotional well-being on whether or not they live up to those expectations, we are setting ourselves up for frustration and disappointment.
Because we can’t control anyone else, we give away all our power when we think we need someone to act a certain way in order to be happy ourselves.
Instead of judging them for not living up to your idea of how they “should” be, try getting curious — what might it be like being them? What hurt or pain might be driving their behavior? How can you love them more compassionately even if they don’t change in the way you hope they will?
Honestly, manuals are hard to give up. We can be pretty sure we know how people should behave.
But if we become aware of the manuals we have for others or ourselves, and work on letting them go, we will free ourselves and open up to compassion, love, and possibly even deeper connection.
So go ahead and let go of the manuals you have as you recognize them.
You’ve got this.