Why is it that we think we shouldn’t be having a hard time?
It’s almost like we think that experiencing difficulty is a sign of weakness or lack of moral/emotional/mental fortitude.
So when we are struggling (physically, mentally, emotionally), we tend to punish ourselves for struggling — saying awful things to ourselves that we would never imagine saying to someone else:
“What is wrong with you?” “This isn’t even a big deal!—why are you having such a hard time?” “Are you crazy?”
I hear this all the time, and I find myself doing it too. It’s a human thing, I think.
But it’s one of those things that we can work on by increasing our awareness, attending to our nervous system, and being intentional about where we allow our mind to go.
As always, the first step in changing something is to notice it. So if you find yourself being less than compassionate to you when you’re struggling, acknowledge that it’s happening, without judgement. That could sound something like, “Oh, there I go again — it’s ok.”
Next, try calming the nervous system a bit — do some calming breathing (in for 4 counts, out for 6), release the tension you’re holding in your jaw and neck and shoulders, engage your peripheral vision, etc. — whatever helps you calm down.
Then redirect your mind to something that feels believable and more positive. If you can’t get all the way to “I’m having the exact experience I’m supposed to have” or “This is good for me,” then try on thoughts like, “It’s ok to not be ok sometimes” or “I’m a bit of a mess right now and I love me anyway.”
You could also think about how you would respond to a loved one who is struggling — you would probably hug them, comfort them, tell them it’s ok to cry and reassure them that you’re there for them. You can do that for yourself, too.
That’s what self-compassion looks like — it’s the compassion you’d give others, directed at you 🙂
And I promise, it’s the best way to go. — We can’t hate ourselves better. But we can love ourselves better and love ourselves through things.
You’ve got this.
Love,
Bethany